Just discovered the term: Self-Alchemy 

http://www.masteringalchemy.com/sites/default/files/shift_ebook_english_0.pdf

Here is a free audio book written by the sites founder Jim Self. I was skeptical but I started reading and realised all of what he writes is what I believe to be true, or am learning to be true. 

Jim writes of the power/law of attraction. I was introduced to the Secret by a lovely friend and though I grasped the concept, I never really understood the how. I understand now it is emotion driving behind your intentions that fuels this law of attraction. I have been practisting manifesting for a few years now and realising when it does and does not work. A key thing I learned is when it doesn't work out how you tried to imagine/manifest it, let it go and try again or try for something else. 

I kept trying to figure out why it would work sometimes and not others, it is the universe after all. It is the emotional drive behind the intention that prevails. If you were to ask for a distraction from your thoughts for that day, perhaps you would or would not get it. But if you were to ask for a distraction, while experiencing the emotions behind the need for the distraction... maybe it would come faster.

Manifest youtube: http://www.youtube.com/user/miraclesmanifestnow?feature=watch

This is a woman named Jyoti who practises this... and while my rational brain thinks it is ridiculous, I totally resonate with what this manifesting idea is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLjgBLwH3Wc
This is a woman with Multiple Sclerosis and her path to healing through eating vegetables

This is me

So this is my story.

For as long as I can actually remember, I have been unhappy. Not every day, not all day, just more than I feel I should be. 

That word - should. That word has consumed me for so long. I should be doing, thinking, feeling, being some other way. Or I have to do think, be, act, feel another way. 

I turned 25 this May. I thought I would have more accomplished by now and that is another battle, thinking I haven't done enough, or am enough. I recently read the way of the peaceful warrior, and that aided in changing my view there. In realising that I don't have to be anywhere or do anything to be happy, except to realise that I am simply Happy whereever I am ,whatever I am doing, or whatever I have accomplished.

I have looked through so many paths, never delving too deep into some. Because if I go too deep it makes me 'into someone' for others to see and conform. But, by resisting becoming attached, or enjoying something fully, I have dissacociated myself with most things that friends or family would find familier. Which in the end proves to ostricise the self. By intending on one thing, we end up creating another.

I just keep trying to figure it out what is this circle. And then I pull back, look at the non-duality way of seeing things and see it is just a way of thinking. So if I can think however or whatever I want, why do I re circle to this point. Why aren't I just happy? 

Affirmations have taught me to just believe. Thats another one, I've only just realised that I don't believe in myself. Which translate to not believing in the full potential of others. How can we believe we can work on others when it is ourselves we are to do the work on. Everything we see in others we possess in ourselves. Its the same concept as buying a certain car, getting a new puppy, having a favourite colour - we see these things close to us most often. What I see constantly in others, frustration, impatience, kindness, love, creativity, ambition, drive, depression, constance, focus, leadership, teamwork, individuality  uniqueness,  I have in myself. 

I have kept trying to figure out why I read into things too much. Why when I go to a party I am so overwhelmed by how I feel, or how I think I'm feeling or what others think of me. I used to drink more now I'll have a drink or two, I stopped having so much because it made it all amplified  and I never used to know that I even was this way, I was just seeing myself as reactive and angry. Constantly learning about self awareness has brought me to this point.

I'm sure a lot of the times me feeling strange was picked up by others. 

so scared of what others think, even myself, I don't even like to dance by myself, for fear of judging myself. so many movements so many times to look stupid. 

I spent a lot of time on my own trying to look into my past, thinking it was something that happened to me as a child. Or being born caesarean .I even took it so far as convincing myself I had been molested. Which I don't think I was now, but I was so sure something happened to me to make me this way. Maybe I was just looking for something to blame. Maybe this is just the way I am, and I am learning to love me. 

Just because nothing 'bad' has happened, doesn't mean that I have a reason to not be happy. Not loving myself is just about the worst thing that could happen at all.

I realised I talk a lot to others like its 'them' or 'out there' when really I mean to say its me, or relate issues to myself. Maybe this is why I come off as a know it all as my best friend called me, or why others don't like to listen to me. I just mean to relate to myself.


So far what I know about myself:


I like these things:
Purple
Peaches
Mint
Lemon
Carob Chips
I like to have to have a 'reason' for everything I say or do
I find it hard to open up to others and tell them how I really feel
I like to think that I open up to others, but really I am just telling them things how to guard themselves against how I feel thus Telling them what to do instead of expressing my feelings
I am often sorry
I feel bad the instant I know I've done something bad
I beat myself up for doing something bad, and then for feeling bad
I never feel I have enough
I never let the fridge or cupboards get even half empty, it makes me nervous - not in an end of the world way, but in a way taht If eel I won't have what I need when I need to make a meal
I don't like running to the grocery store for something I forgot
I will lie to my friends and tell them I am busy or doing something else when really I am just feeling down
I have never, ever written out a list or written how I really think or feel til now
I feel I have though about it, and by thnking I often trick mself into believeing that it will have the same effect as doing
I am my own worst enemy
I don't have many girl friends 
whenever I have a new girlfriend pop up , I find something I don't like about her and we aren't good friends anymore
I gossip to make myself feel betters
These things I'm writing I was not even half aware that I think or do
I love doing art, but I don't do it very often
I love pottery
I want to go to art school and I keep makign excuses that it isn't practical or taht I won't have a good job after
I am scared to disappoint my family with not doing enough 
I don't know if I'm smart enough to get a bachelor of anything
Every weekend I have a breakdown and cry
I call them my emotional day
My boyfriend knows I have these days 
I wish I had someone to talk to whenever withouth feeling I was burdening them
I have a few friendships where I was blindsided by the person in the end, with them telling me they didn't want to hear me talk about what I was talking about anymore
I am scared to publish anything like this on the internet
I hope that this helps someone else in some way
I used to think I was alone in how I am or think, but over time I've realised there are so many people out there feeling and thinking the same way, there must be. We just don't talk about it, so we don't know
I've done the landmark forum with a neighbour/friend
I've done the advanced forum with the same neighbour and my mom
I often wonder if I really love my boyfriend
I don't like using the word boyfriend, he is not a boy he is a man
I clean when I'm upset - thank you katherine for making me see that as truth
I use cooking healthy treats and meals as an outlet for creativity and when I am upset or extremely tired
I want to be a painter and a potter, I want others to want and enjoy my art
I used to make earrings and I loved it, but I stopped because I was told I was taking business away from other people in the market I was in
I let my past judgements of others overrule how they are now
I have tried to write an excuse/reason for almost all of these statements, but purposefully erased them in an effort to stop doing this
I have slightly lower blood pressure than normal
I was 8.9lbs when I was born
I weigh 125-133 lbs fluctuation 
I am 5'3"
I would like to weigh 120lbs all the time but I do not look overweight at all
Most of the time I am happy with my body, I am toned and could be more if I worked out more
I believe in manifestation and belief, yet I haven't been believing in myself  - ironic?
I miss one of my old highschool friends, a guy that meant a lot to me, he is still alive and around but somehow we don't talk as much as I'd like, I've tried to talk to him but I think there is a reason we aren't so close right now, I know he understood my turmoil in school
I was bullied in middle school, by people I kept trying to believe were my friends
I was part of a group of girlfriends that I was close to, and the leader I cut off completely and stopped hanging out with almost all of them because the leader I felt was taking/sucking my energy
I learned from one friend recently that this girl was mean to me, and I had blocked this out of my mind completely
I don't remember much of my childhood
I was mean to my sister, but I only know this because my sister and my mom liked to remind me, they dont' as much now
I have been crying for the past 3 hours and while half of me wants to stop, the other half wants to keep going
I travelled to southeast asia for 3 months this jan-march 2013
I was with my boyfriend and his sister
I hated travelling with his sister because we are so alike but can't see that and I felt I had to plan everything or nothign would get done on the trip
I like plans, but I don't always like planning
I love when others take over
I don't give others enough credit or trust
I get so excited about doing art and then If eel like I'd be copying anyone that I borrowed ideas from
I used to love my friend natalie in elementary school's ideas, until one day she got mad at me and told me I was always copying her and she wanted me to stop
I know these are just stories but its so hard to just let them go as being stories
I've cried in public before
I love yoga but I don't practise as much as I'd like
I don't know why this is
I have a hard time sticking to a task and completing it
I like to move from task to task and get things started and then take off
I love the feeling of finishing something completely though
I did my first ayahuasca ceremony this spring, april 17
I did my first lead climb outside, June 29
I am so scared to go and do somethign, because it will take up my time to 'do something' that I don't often do the things I want to do